change your shoes, change your life.

My 27th birthday is tomorrow.  I have always heard that either your 30th, 40th or 50th is bad. None of mine will be as bad as my 27th.  I'm totally devastated.  It seems so old on me.  Isn't Kate Middleton 29? I don't think she is old, or looks old, or acts old.  I am having an absolute shit hemmorhage over this and I cannot figure out why. 


Some good things have happened though.  I decided to paint my wood floors.  I really love them painted.  They were so destroyed from years of changing color of rooms, with random paint droppings, decade old termite damage, and about 60 years worth of dirt and grime.  I don't care how many times I have mopped these floors, they just dont get clean.  I feel a HUNDRED times cleaner now that they are painted, I still need to do a laquer of some sort over them but I will get to that later. 

before:

After:

Some guy came and asked me  if I wanted a new roof yesterday.  I told him yes, but I refuse to put forth any effort getting one.  He said that was ok and he would take care of everything.  He got on my roof and did some looking around and came back down and called my insurance company for me.  I signed some papers and I better get a new roof. He asked me if there was anything special about the outside of my house that he should know.  Like, if I had a favorite plant that I did not want destroyed. 

Obviously, I direct him to my favorite plant. And I made him list it on his sheet of paper.

How about just don't destroy anything ok?

Had another incident at Salvation Army.  I found 2 iron chairs that I really liked in the dumpster. The guy doing community service said I could have them for free, but went to double check with his manager and she said I couldn't have them.  I went and talked to her and she said that she would have a talk with the guy that told me that I could have them in the beginning. I told her I have been looking for these chairs since I was 18 years old and I have searched all over the country, and that I would pay her for them.  SHE SAID NO.  She denied me the right to pay for things out of a dumpster. Total bitch.  Who does that?

Look, I needed these chairs, so I went back out side and told community service guy that it is imperative that I aquire these things.  He told me to leave and come back in 10 minutes.  SO I went and made a vehicle swap just in case that crazy bitch came out there and noticed me in my car. I borrowed my boyfriends company truck that said his name all over it, he was nervous but he let me do it anyways. It's completely indescreet too, its all jacked up and making loud noises with giant rims and writing all over the side. Probably not the smartest thing I have ever done, but I was driven by the overwhelming desire to put one of these chairs on my front porch. I offered the guy money when he put them in the truck, but he wouldn't take it.

If my mug shot ends up in the news paper with the heading "local thief steals from poor to decorate home", I will be so embarassed. I'm going to start dealing with the humiliation now, so that when I get arrested for this it won't be so devastating.  I guess my family and friends should do the same.  

Let the record show that these items were in and outside of the dumpster to be thrown away, for no profit whatsoever, and that profit could have been made but was refused.

I rest my case.

Houston/Chilton

I like Houston, but the drive is just horrendous. Especially when you're driving with all men and all they do is talk about man stuff, and you are sitting behind the driver who is damn near 7 feet tall and you have no room to put your legs. I look like the exorcism of Emily Rose over here. I think my arm is bending in an unjointed area.  This is the longest, most boring, most miserable drive home that I have ever had. Did I mention that I'm hungover? OH! Yeah, on top of everything else I am experiencing flu like symptoms caused by an overdose of Vodka.

We have 10 miles until we get to Marlin. THANK YOU JESUS! I have never been so excited to see that shithole. Speaking of which, if you haven't ever been to Marlin- don't go- you can just read my blog about it and you can save the time and gas it would take to get there.  If you think Marlin is bad, you should take HWY 7 straight to Chilton and see how those people live. Chilton makes Marlin look like a booming metropolis.  I had to go to a client in Chilton on Friday and I left crying, not because the meeting went bad, but because I felt sorry for all the poor people that have to live there.  I had to pee so bad but hell would hath frozen over before I would use a bathroom in that "town".  My bladder nearly burst as I was leaving but I figured it was only like 25 minutes until I got home.  5 minutes of driving down a country road with nothing for miles on either side of you and a full bladder will make you do weird things. I couldn't hold it anymore. I had to pull over.  There was no one around, so I did the deed behind my car in the grass.  Of course I start to panic- what if there is a snake or a skunk? HOLY omg. WTF am I doing?  I couldn't pee fast enough.  I had held it so long though and so much had built up that I wasn't stopping. Then in the far distance I see a car.  Please don't be a cop. I once heard that if you got caught peeing in public that you would get a ticket for that and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. OH that's real nice, I had to pee so bad I stopped in the middle of the country, got my ass bit by a rattlesnake, sprayed by a skunk and became a sex offender.  I cut it off midstream to avoid a confrontation or a honk from the guy coming down the road.  Thankfully all of the aforementioned events did not occur, I don't have to pee anymore, and everything will be just fine when I get home. 

Fail

Well I guess I shouldn't start having kids just yet.  I can't even figure out how to take care of this stupid plant.

I bought this piece of shit at walmart the other day for $13.50.  What a waste.  It only looked good on my front porch for the first 14 hours I had it.

Here is what it looked like the second day and how it still looks now.  I am disgusted.  I am no horticulturist, but I have done everything that basic instinct, common sense and my experience has taught me to do- to no avail.  I am a failure and I'm going to have a drink. CIAO.

Coffee Table

I am addicted to craigslist.  I found this coffee table on there.  I called the lady, Destiny, and she told me she lived out in Elm Mott so me and my friend Ashley went out there.  Ashley packs heat wherever she goes, and boy was I glad when we pulled up at the trailer where my coffee table had been residing.  It was off Bugtussle road, it was heavily wooded, and it was the dumpiest trailer I have ever seen.  All kinds of plywood add-on's were built against the leaning trailer.  There was a blow up pool in the front yard with a 500 pound woman trying to float in it (come to find out that was Destiny's cousin), although she looked more like a giant grackle convulsing in a water puddle to me.  About 500 pieces of crap layed in the front yard, from lawn chairs to lawn mowers... it looked like a flea market. In the trailer park community, I think these people were considered high class though because of the amount of stuff they acquired, and their fearlessness of leaving it in the front yard for anyone to take. Destiny was about 5'6, maybe 39 years of age (I'm guessing), smoked Marlboro Reds (heavily), had fried-out-bleach-blonde-from-a-box hair, was anorexic thin, and had the deepest, raspiest voice I have ever heard come out of a human being (other than my Aunt Judy).  I actually thought I was talking to her common law husband Bubba John on the phone the first time I called her.  She had 2 other trailers on her property (it was less than an acre), and she took us to the back trailer first.  That is where I found my beautimous coffee table.... then she shows us this 18 wheeler that she opened up at the back. That little woman looked like she was about to break in half and she bent over and pulled the door of that trailer open like it was nothing. It went flying up a hundred miles an hour and made a loud noise- I as already jumpy because I was in Bellmead and I didn't exactly have the greatest expectations on what was going to be on the otherside of that door- I bet I jumped a 2 whole feet in the air as I yelled a curse word to the top of my lungs. Oopsie, sorry.  I was scared sh*tless, Ashley and I walked in (against our better judgement) but this place had like crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, it was too tempting.  The place was set up like a furniture showroom. It was crazy! I just knew Destiny was going to slam the door shut down and keep us out there in Bugtussell to be a sex slaves to Bellmeadsters and her inbred family- there is no worse fate... Luckily, that didnt happen.


before:

After: gosh dangit you cant really see the cute knobs. oh well- hopefully you have an imagination.

Whirlwind of a Weekend

Friday Night


-It was a hard week so I decided to take KG and Swanson up on the offer to go out to the barge for Cokers 30th birthday.

-made a few new friends on the barge. we immediately friended each other on facebook and were all tagged at Nauti When Wet (the barge).

Saturday Morning

-12:45 am Martha receives a phone call from a RESTRICTED phone number.  She does not see the missed call until 9:19 am

-My phone is on vibrate.  I receive 3 calls from 9:20 am to 9:40 am. Two calls from my mother, one from my brother. I do not answer because 1. I'm asleep and 2. phone's on vibrate.

For 20 minutes I am missing..

What is my mothers initial thought when she pieces together that I am not answering and she received a restricted phone call the night before?  That I'm in a government regulated facility somewhere i.e. jail, hospital, mental institution.... completely logical.

What does she do?  She calls my Uncle Terry (FBI, terrorist hunter, special forces, CIA, Navy Seal, man hunting sniper, government official etc...)  What does Uncle Terry do?  Notifies the troops (every police squad within a 40 mile radius of Waco).  They locate the barge (a.k.a. Nauti When Wet). The subjects vehicle is not located at the dock, Uncle Terry is notified.  He contacts all hospitals and jails to no avail.  He checks my facebook, realizes that I was last checked in at the barge and he facebooks the people who were tagged in that check in.  He emails each of them and tells them that they need to have me call home.  Embarrassing.

9:50 am: my mother uses her key to bust into my apartment and I'm in there, asleep. 

10:00 am- 10:20 am I answered phone calls from everyone who was tagged on the boat with me, trying to explain that I have an extremely over-reactive mother and apologizing for the alarming facebook message.

Sunday-

Threw the biggest hissy fit that I have ever thrown in my entire life, for a plethera of reasons.  I will get to that some other time.

But to name a few; I moved into my parents garage. UGH. And if that isn't bad enough, I spilled an entire gallon of bleach (well it wasnt an entire gallon but it was 3/4 of the way full) in my car. 

Now for the shocker:
On the way from my parents house to my old apartment I am going under the bridge at HWY 6 and Bosque.  Out of the corner of my eye I see a man sitting on the incline under the bridge.  He was wearing a flannel shirt, jogging shorts, and tennishoes.  He was covered in blood.  I immediately want to pull over but the traffic is moving and I can't unless I want to cause an accident.  I put my hazards on and drive 100 mph to the next exit and turn around to come back and help this guy.  As soon as I get there, I see him walking on the incline toward Bosque Spirits, so I pull in there.  As he was walking over he looked out of sorts, like he had a really bad concussion, or he was drunk.  I realize he is walking toward 2 elderly people (who were retired cops that signaled for him to come over there, but I didn't know this at the time).  I jump out of my car and ask him if he's ok and he said yes.  I have never seen a person before with so much blood covering their face, every square inch of his body that was not covered in blood was bruised.  There was dried blood and fresh blood, the bruises were literally covering his body, some were fresh and some looked like they were old.  It looked like someone had taken a bat to this poor guy.  I gave him my bottle of water, he said his name was Katy Williams (I find that hard to believe) and that he was in a car accident 2 weeks ago. I immediately want to ask "well why the hell didn't you seek medical attention?!!!" and then "why the hell are you here in the Bosque Spirits parking lot, why the hell were you sitting under the bridge? there isn't a house for a half a mile in any direction!!!". The retired policeman called the cops and the purple guy begged him not to, he said he had several warrants out for his arrest but not for anything violent.  At that point I left.  I am so curious as to what happened to this guy. 

My Current Obsessions

If I didn't have to pay for those damned student loans you better believe I would be carrying this bad boy. Only 100 were made AND you had to be on a waiting list to get it.... but now its old and all those high rollers are getting rid of them, but it's new for me!!! I wannnnnnnttttt.

and these Louboutin's make me giddy.

I think I'm going to get a second job to acquire these shallow, materialistic items.  I just think they're so beautiful.

Junque in the Trunk

Junque in the Trunk

aka the cutest boutique in town

2225 LaSalle

across from the flea market, where Unpainted Furniture used to be!

owner: mz. emily jazzy jones :)

emily and lacy's super jazzy stuff

earrings by nikki!

My table and chairs :)